...from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give
notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are
also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but
does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your
borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
[I'd be happier just to be Canadian.]
We all know what I think of studies & experts, but this one is just nuts: Men With Traditional Views on Sex Roles Earn More Money. What the fuck? Yet another boys club?
More bull shit from the experts: Botox can improve first impressions for attractiveness, dating success. Jeee-zus! Nothing like phonies & the morons who tell them these things.
I've had room-mates like this. Never again.
Update: In a previous blahg entry, I'd referred you all the the Grassy Knoll Institute. Alas, the site is gone, the link dead. Good news, though: The Grassy Knoll Institute is alive & well. You may now indulge in your conspiracy theories here.
Notice the teacher is oblivious.Wiltshire's Secret Underground City. This time, it's Britain's tax dollars at work...for the elite, of course.
Anyone know anything about this Mystery In Laos?
I guess kids should be allowed the gender of their choice too.Heh. Even astronomers have learned something new -- & they don't understand it. "Dark Flow" Discovered at the Edge of Known Universe I love this line: "...It's that the entire makeup of the universe as we understand it can't be right if this is happening.
Ah, my first car. I miss my bug.Ever wonder about the history of the word cunt?
We all know that the owners of major news outlets control what can & can't be aired or printed, but how often do we hear from the censored journalists themselves? Leading Journalists Expose Major Media Manipulations.
Interesting short blog about McDonald's burgers. The only thing with which I disagree is this:
I marvel at how McDonalds has infiltrated
our entire world. A hamburger here tastes
exactly the same in China or some around
the world place.
Granted, it had been ten or fifteen years between, but the last McDonald's burger I'd had was a Big Mac in London -- a friend bought it for me, as I was broke. At least at that time, the Big Mac in London & the previous Big Mac somewhere in California, did not taste the same. The one in London actually tasted like a hamburger, as opposed to the cardboard-like disk I'd had before. The bun was pretty tasty too -- for low-grade bread, that is. Oh, and I was more surprised by the fact they didn't slather it with that disgusting "secret sauce" McDonald's is, or maybe was famous for. The burger came with mayonnaise -- without even asking for it. Yeah, I like mayonnaise. That was a nice touch. I have no plans to eat at a McDonald's again, but should I ever walk into one with the intent to order & eat something, it certainly won't be in a McDonald's here in the US.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
"You know how it feels when you're leaning back on a chair, and you lean back too far, and you almost fall over backwards, but then you catch yourself at the last second? I feel like that all the time...."-Stephen Wright
Did you know little of this movie was scripted.
Surprised?
It's been quite a week.
Ah, marriage.
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